


Asleep/Awake

by words_unravel



Category: Panic At The Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Dreams, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-08
Updated: 2010-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-07 03:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_unravel/pseuds/words_unravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer never dreams without meaning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asleep/Awake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imntsaying](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=imntsaying).



> [**Prompt:** written at the request of _imntsaying_'s [prompt](http://prettykitty-aya.livejournal.com/187546.html) of: _JON WALKER. And anyone, I don't care, the world needs more Jwalk right now. And, um first-time. However you choose to interpret that phrase._]  
> [**A/N:** this actually came out of an idea i have in the dregs of my gdocs which decided it wanted to pop into my head as i was about two seconds away from falling asleep. also, i am apparently unable to write anything without Spencer Smith making his presence known. *sigh*]  
> [**Beta:** _likealocket_]

*

Spencer never dreams without meaning. There was Ryan (although he didn't know his name at the time) when he was five. Two weeks later his mom was introducing him to this kid, barely a year older than Spencer. Even at that age, he'd known that this was important.

That's the first time (that he can remember).

Years later, there's Brendon. Well, truthfully, Brendon's _voice_. Spencer dreamed of it, wrapped in brilliant yellows and thunderous blues. Then Ryan had a cold, insisted Brendon take over the vocals for this practice and Spencer finally _knew_.

In between there's various other dreams, loud voices, occasional fists. Ryan's over at his place more than he's at home; Brendon chooses Ryan, Spencer and Brent.

*

About a month after Pet Salamander faded into The Summer League, he began dreaming of someone new. This guy, solid with these rugged, blunt-fingered hands (so unlike Ryan's and his own, and later, Brendon's), he'd get glimpses of scruff or warm brown eyes, but not enough to get a good visual. The dreams don't come all that often, but Spencer is intrigued.

It's only after they get signed and are in the studio (_recording their album_) that Spencer starts getting really good visuals of Mystery Guy. Then they tour with The Academy Is... and Spencer gets a name: Jon Walker.

*

The thing is? Spencer's only ever dreamed in ones: one person, one place, one thing. So it's a little disconcerting when Brendon starts showing up _with_ Jon in his dreams. Brendon is always calm there (so unlike reality), sprawled alongside Jon on some grassy hillside or bland hotel bed or the couch in the back lounge.

Everything becomes abundantly clear when Spencer walks around the corner one day to find the two making out lazily against one of the buses. Spencer stares in shock, then leaves without a word. Over the next few days though, he notices how much calmer Brendon seems. He's still a hyperactive spaz, yes, but the look in his eyes is more peaceful, lighter. Spencer can't find fault if this is what Jon Walker brings Brendon. If Spencer just happens to get a headache every time he sees them together, he ignores it.

**

Turns out Jon Walker can bring salvation, too, at least to the band itself. When things go sour with Brent (Spencer should have known, he _never_ dreamed of Brent), Spencer is wary. Has Jon saved them, just to unwittingly become a catalyst in their destruction?

His fear is unfounded, nothing changes. Nothing but the feeling that they're complete now, right where they are supposed to be.

*

And then Ryan shows up one night, playing his guitar across from Jon, a bright grin sprawling across his face.

Spencer wakes from that particular dream on a gasp; he hasn't dreamed of Ryan in _years_. It's. Unexpected, even more so than Brendon's initial appearance with Jon. There's a knot in his stomach when he thinks of Ryan and Jon together. But he hasn't seen Ryan that happy since the moment Pete Wentz announced he wanted to sign them.

Ryan would have told him, right? Something as important as that?

**

Two days later, Ryan gets the call.

His father's passed away, an inevitability that Ryan had expected. But Spencer can still see the spark of pain and fear behind gold/brown eyes. He wraps himself around Ryan. It's a few moments until he gets a reaction, and then Ryan hugs like he'll never let go. The ache returns to Spencer's belly.

They leave on the next flight home, Jon and Brendon waiting impatiently for their return.

**

Spencer dreams of Jon and Ryan again, that night after the funeral, but he's still unsure of what it means. He's both anxious to return to the other two and trepidatious of the outcome. Ryan just turns restlessly in his sleep.

A week later, he catches the two sound asleep, curled around each other on the couch in the back lounge. Brendon's in the process of gently covering the two with a spare blanket. He holds a finger to his lips (_which is ridiculous_, Spencer thinks, _coming from Brendon_) before tugging Spencer back up to the kitchen. All of Ryan's tension has apparently set up in Spencer's stomach now. He finds it annoying. He also tries to ignore how it feels like fear.

*

Spencer stops sleeping.

He goes through the motions, not wanting to worry the other three. He tells everyone goodnight (just like always), sprawls in his bed (just like always). Only now he does everything he can to keep his eyes open, to stay out of _that_ place. It's irrational, he knows, but that doesn't mean he doesn't get out of his bunk when everyone else is asleep, out cold, to play Guitar Hero with the sound off until his fingers ache. To fall asleep on the couch as the sun rises, knowing Brendon will be up soon. To fall asleep enough to dream.

Only after a few days, it's becoming apparent to the others that something's wrong. Spencer's eyes look bruised and he's snapped at everyone, including Zack, something he's never done before. He's also taken to wandering the venues for hours, ignoring all but Zack's messages. He plays every show like he always has, hard and perfect.

It's killing him.

 

**

It comes to a head one night as he and Jon are walking back to the bus. He trips. It's not a big thing, but his body is refusing to cooperate and he knows he's going to hit the ground. Jon catches him of course, worry evident in his quiet _Spencer?_, in the fingers he has wrapped around Spencer's biceps. Spencer barely keeps himself from shouting 'Don't touch me', shoving Jon away and continuing toward the bus. He doesn't look back.

*

Ryan's got him cornered in the back lounge, Brendon a nervous presence behind him, gnawing on a thumbnail. He dismisses their concerns, finally shoving his way past them and into the bunk area. And Jon's there, blocking the way to the kitchen (and the exit off the bus). When he looks back, Ryan's in the other doorway, jaw tight. Brendon's pressed up behind him, chin on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan's always been picky about his personal space. Spencer looks away.

Jon's closer now, hand reaching out. Spencer rolls into his bunk before the touch connects, snaps the curtain closed, and rolls over to face the wall. They'll sleep sooner or later and he can wait.

**

Or not.

They've apparently conspired against him, since every time Spencer tugs at the curtain to check, one of them is waiting. Sitting on the floor, watching Spencer's bunk. He's got nowhere to go and without some kind of movement, he's having to fight not to fall asleep. But the stress is too much and his body too weak to fend off the coming darkness.

He doesn't dream at all.

*

Spencer wakes to raised voices - Jon sounds angry, Brendon calm and Ryan. Ryan sounds _scared_. Spencer rolls out of bed soundlessly, instinct kicking in. He pauses in the doorway, watching them argue.

Brendon sees him first and grins brilliantly. One of those sunshine smiles, the kind that crinkles the skin at the corner of his eyes, and Spencer is helpless not to grin back. It's been too long since he's seen one of those. He feels _good_.

Ryan's head snaps around at Brendon's expression, relief instantly wiping away any residual fear. He collapses on the couch, a sprawl of long limbs and sparkling eyes.

Jon, though, is still angry. Spencer knows because Jon walks over to him, punches him (hard) in the stomach and pushes past him out of the room. It turns out that Spencer was asleep for over a day and half, unresponsive to any attempts to wake him.

**

Ryan spends most of the day attached to his hip and Brendon, surprising once again, takes it all with a grain of salt, gives Spencer a wet willy and calls it even.

Jon refuses to talk to him.

**

It's not until after the show, once they've cleaned up and are back on the bus, that Jon finally acknowledges Spencer. He catches him on a pass-by, arms wrapped so tight around him that Spencer can barely breathe. Then he drags him back to the lounge and makes him suffer through one of Ryan's pretentious French films.

They fall asleep draped across each other on the pallet (_fort_, Brendon insists) that he constructed out of every blanket and pillow they have on the bus.

**

For the first time, Spencer dreams of himself - he and Jon are sitting atop some roof and he can hear Brendon's laughter, Ryan's guitar, below them.

Spencer watches their breath mist into the air, entwining.

 

[the end]

**Author's Note:**

> [posted in main journal [here](http://prettykitty-aya.livejournal.com/189712.html) on 03/28/08]  
> [x-posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/bandslashmania/516721.html) on 03/28/08]


End file.
